Revelations come at the strangest times it seems.
This latest one came from out of the blue as I was getting the mail. I’d just gotten home from work and was in my usual attire, which nowadays means whatever the hell I feel like wearing. More specifically, boots, baseball cap, Caharrt hoodie and jeans.
As I started up our muddy driveway, early Spring sun shining on me, I suddenly felt… Well, I felt like myself. Perhaps more than I have in years, and I’m not talking about the past two or three. I mean in as long as I can remember.
I’m not entirely sure why. But it could best be described as that “peaceful, easy feeling” the Eagles sang about.
Perhaps it did have something to do with my attire, crazy as that sounds. For all my adult life, I’ve had to wear a uniform of some kind. And in that uniform, I’ve felt like I had to be someone. At least in a professional sense.
As a musician for the past decade or so, on stage in clothes I normally wouldn’t wear, I’ve felt like I had to be someone.
And on it goes. In some way or another, we all have to act a part in our roles from time to time. It doesn’t mean we aren’t being genuine, it just means maybe we have to put aside our natural inclinations. We have to toe the company line even though we think it’s bullshit. We have to be outgoing in the spotlight when we really would rather stare at our beer in a quiet corner.
I’ve said several times that with this new path in life, this second career, I’m still trying to find “normal.” Because let’s face it, when you stop doing something, you stop being something after 25 years, it takes some adjustment.
When you have more time to focus on the things that matter to you, I’ll tell ya, it takes some getting used to.
So it’s understandable that it’d take a while to figure it out. To put aside those things, those scrapes and bruises Life leaves you with. Those worries and things in your head that you’ve carried all those years. Granted, some things never leave you, but with time they also fade if only a little.
So it was that walking up the driveway to do my evening chores I suddenly remembered a little bit of who I am. Who I was before. It wasn’t a great revelation, or attainment of nirvana. Just a feeling like a couple bricks got taken off the load.
Maybe it’s part of growing older and happens for everyone. Maybe it’s specific to circumstances as I’ve described above. Hell, I don’t know. But for a brief moment it felt like the Universe was reminding me who I am. Maybe letting me know it’s all good.
And you know what? It is.